Saturday, July 28, 2012

I haven't struggled, personally, with a serious addiction so I can't say I really understand what it is to be addicted...I can, however, say with some measure of confidence that I understand the deep sorrow and pain that can be unbearable.  I understand with great clarity the kind of pain that forces you to your knees in agony and I understand with great clarity the desire, stronger than most, to be rid of that kind of psychic agony.  I understand the desire to escape a pain that refuses to go away or diminish, the kind of pain that often has no label or name...just a deep, aching place that cannot be subdued.

I imagine any number of life circumstances can bring on that sort of pain. For me, that pain usually ends up being love...though it feels more like death at times.  Sometimes what feels like death, though, can really bring life...through agony and suffering new life can emerge. Or, as we know, what feels like death can lead exactly there. To death.  Spiritual, emotional, or physical death. Sometimes all three.

I don't know why love is so agonizing sometimes. I don't understand love very well and it usually takes me by surprise.  I guess no one plans to love someone else, it just sort of sneaks up on us.  When we have a child we don't expect to feel the aching, overwhelming, suffocating, incredible love that shows up unannounced when a child is born.  When that child goes out into the world without us, we parents aren't usually prepared for the same aching, overwhelming, suffocating, incredible agony that love becomes in the pit of our beings.  We are happy he/she has become an adult and that he/she is strong enough to be out in that world...but not a day goes by without awareness of and aching for that child.

To quote my favorite movie of all time, 

"You're in love? Is that all that's bothering you? I thought it would be something worse!"

"Worse?? Than the total agony of being in love??"

"Hmm. Yeah.  I guess you're right."